Did you know that one out of eight marriages in 2007 was as a result of meeting on the Internet? If you are single and not meeting men online, you are missing out on a great resource. Online dating sites give you the opportunity to meet more men than you possibly could in your day-to-day life.
The following tips will improve your online dating savvy.
Choosing your on-line dating site:
There are two types of online dating sites. Match.com and Yahoo Personals are examples of sites that allow you the freedom to contact anyone who is a member. Sites like Perfectmatch and EHarmony are personality-profiling sites. These give you a personality test, then guide you towards potentially compatible mates. Many profiling sites have a much higher women to men ratio as age increases, so it’s more difficult for women to be successful using them.
The best site for you will vary depending on what part of the country you live in. Most will allow you to explore them without paying. Go to several sites, so that you can discover which ones have the most recently active men who are five years younger, and ten years older, than you, and who live within a reasonable distance. You’ll find links to many online sites on http://www.getalovelife.net.
The site may ask you to create a free profile before you can check it out. Go ahead and fill in the basics on their form. Most will allow you to hide your profile from the public. I recommend that you keep yours hidden until you are confident that it’s just the way you want it.
Writing your on-line dating profile:
Have you ever gone online and searched for women from the perspective of a man? (Go ahead and do it—you’ll learn a lot!) You’ll see that it’s very hard for a guy to tell the difference between most women online. The key to a great profile is that it reflects the real you with short examples. Instead of saying “I'm friendly” or “I love Chinese food,” say “I talk with people while I’m waiting for my table at General Chu’s;” rather than “I love to travel” and “I love my pets,” use “After returning from Paris, Cleo, my cat, didn’t let me out of her sight for a week.”
Remember to have your hardest-hitting sentence at the beginning of your profile. Most guys will only read a few lines before they decide whether to move on to someone else.
Photos, user names, and headlines:
Most men search for women looking only looking at photos, user names, and headlines. Make them work for you. Funny, quirky and memorable lines work best, especially when they show off your sense of humor.
Your photos should be current—that means less than two years old. Professional photos are optimum, because they show you at your best.
The Internet is your tool:
Remember that an online profile is an ad. It’s not a confessional or an autobiography. You are using it as a tool to meet men who are potentially right for you. Be yourself, and enjoy!
If you want more help utilizing online dating, join my teleclass workshop series, which is held at various times to accommodate all time zones. This page has all the details.
14 Comments
Posted by allthatkaz on 03/06 at 12:57 PM
Great tips! I am newly single and dating is kind of petrifying me at this point! Thanks!
Posted by Renee Fisher on 03/14 at 11:03 AM
Hi Annie,these are good tips. As an example of successful online dating (I met my husband through Match.com), I would add one more: Every week or so, go onto your profile and change one item, even if it’s to put in or take out a comma. This slight change will be enough to place you at the top of the list on some sites. Otherwise, you will slowly sink down to p.3 or 10 or 50 and people won’t find you.
Renee Fisher
Invisible No More: The Secret Lives of Women Over 50
Posted by Annie Gleason on 03/23 at 03:32 PM
Renee,
This is a great tip! In fact, it’s one of the many that I give in my four-part online dating teleseminar, “Keys to Successful Online Dating.” It’s really important to use everything online sites give you in order to give you the most options.
Posted by Rita@Goldivas on 04/11 at 09:47 AM
I’ve found that a lot of men seem to want to exchange endless emails rather than taking the time or risk to just meet for a cup of coffee. This is a turn-off. I mean, why is a face-to-face meeting so risky? Has anyone else had that experience?
Posted by allthatkaz on 04/11 at 10:15 AM
So far all I am doing is emailing but potential meetings are in the offing. Maybe they are afraid of that first meet! We shall see!
Posted by Frustrated Dater on 05/12 at 10:56 PM
Hi there- I came upon this site looking for advice on how to attract a woman’s attention on-line (yes, I’m a guy). It seems that there are a lot more men competing for the attention of a few nice women. I’m educated, tall, fit (I play ice hockey at 50 years old for heaven’s sake!) employed and polite. What could I possibly say to you to make me stand out from everyone else? Thank you in advance for your insight!
Posted by allthatkaz on 05/13 at 08:29 AM
I found with online dating that the pic did not match the person when I met them. And when we started to email most just ended up in emails then just faded away. Distance seems to be a big issue. I have talked to one person on the phone and we discussed meeting soon so I will see if that happens. The one person I did meet through online dating said things to me like “why would someone like you want to date someone like me?” And “I like you, you’re weird but not in a bad way.” is it just men don’t know what to say? Then he started planning our lives for the next 6-9 months. I like to take things one step at a time. I am an intelligent, independent, very accomplished women of 50 who is in extremely good shape and very youthful (yeah, so why am I single?) so I find sometimes that intimidates men. And to be honest I just love ‘em. But I have to know in the first few dates if this person resonates with me. Otherwise why waste either of our time? I feel men are looking more for a quick commitment (I love commitments but I want to be able to have the chance to get to know the person and if they are right for me). Also, in the early stages sex seems to be foremost inferred in the conversations and that makes me uncomfortable too. Not that sex isn’t great…but foreplay has more than one meaning. Just my two cents!!
Posted by Annie Gleason on 06/02 at 11:21 AM
Here are some tips about how to deal with the frustrations you’re experiencing.
First, do not get emotionally invested in one man until you’ve been on a few dates. Keep emailing and communicating with other potential dates until you are in a committed relationship.
If you are experiencing interactionss with men who just want to email more than 2-3 round-trip exchanges via the online site’s email server, flirtatiously suggest that you move to his regular email. A good way to do this is to tell him that you’d like to send him a photo, but that you can’t send attachments on the site.
If after a couple of email exchanges on his personal email, he doesn’t ask for your number, tell him that you’re enjoying getting to know him, and that you’re looking forward to hearing the sound of his voice.
If after a couple of phone calls, he doesn’t ask you out, let it go.
Some men, especially those over 50, get overwhelmed by shyness and fear of rejection. Being flirtatious and encouraging gives them the courage to move forward.
Some men are incapable of a real relationship for various reasons - not ready, married, etc. However, they enjoy fantasy email relationships with women. By flirtatiously encouraging the forward momentum, you can identify these guys by their action or inaction.
No matter what, when you get rejected online, remember that you have no idea what his baggage or reasons are. It has nothing to do with you - it’s him. Say “Next!” and move forward.
There is far too much to say about online dating to make it into a column or an email. This is why I have an affordable 2 part webinar “Keys to Successful Online dating” schdeduled at 6PM PDT for 90 minutes Tuesday June 9 and 16. . Class size is limited, so that I can address each individual’s issues and concerns. You can sign up on http://getalovelife.net/calendar.html?task=view_detail&agid=12&year=2009&month=06&day=16.
Every month I have at least one teleclass or webinar for singles who can’t make it to San Francisco for in-person coaching. Check http://getalovelife.net/calendar.html for upcoming events and classes.
Posted by Be aware of dating frauds on 11/02 at 08:09 AM
There are some great tips collected here. Five or ten years ago I would have never thought that I was going to do online dating. I just registered at a site out of curiosity and liked it. Communication over the internet is much more relaxed than in a bar or a night club. An important thing is to chose the right dating sites where you can be sure you get in contact with serious people. Unfortunately, some free sites are full of fakes and frauds that try to fool innocent people that are looking for love.
Posted by Frustrated Dater on 12/09 at 03:10 PM
So let me try this again, from the guy’s perspective! Confidence is not the problem, its standing out in the crowd that is the problem! It seems there are 100 men for everyone 1 woman out there. I understand and appreciate why women are cautious, but what can I say or do on-line to stand out from the other 99? I can’t imagine someone like allthatkaz would respond to some trite come-on line. I would be embarrased to even try something like that. Thanks in advance!
Posted by Annie Gleason on 12/09 at 10:46 PM
Hi Frustrated Dater,
Let’s split this up into two questions:
1) How do you make your profile stand out online?
2) How can you stand out in an email that you send to someone who interests you?
I’ll address both of these below. The key to answering them is to reveal something detailed and positive about yourself. If you can show your sense of humor you will also be more memorable.
1-To make your profile stand out, use examples to be specific. For example say “I enjoy chatting over lattes at Starbucks on 24th St.” instead of “I like coffee.” Another example is to say “I enjoy exploring the tide pools at Miramar Beach” rather than “I like walking on the beach.” It won’t turn off those who don’t go to those places, but will pique readers’ curiosity. Also, post a great, current photo. For more profile tips, check out my San Francisco Examiner article http://budurl.com/profilex.
2-When you email someone you are interested in, let that person know that you read their profile by commenting about something they mentioned. “I also enjoy hiking in the mountains. I love the seasonal changes, particularly the spring wildflowers. My favorite trail is Elephant’s Walk because of the stunning views.” Then ask a question “When is your favorite time to be in the mountains?”
Be sure to ask a couple of questions so that your correspondent has a topic to guide them in the answer to your email.
These tips work for men and women. Everyone is more likely to respond to someone who is paying attention to them personally.
Posted by KaZ on 12/10 at 09:51 AM
I have been on at least a dozen dating sites and continue to meet the same type of men - needy, insecure, desperate, want to rush to get me in bed, don’t want to take time to get to know me or are intimidated by my accomplishments; and this is not just fly-by-night sites, these are the most popular or interest specific sites - health and fitness, spirituality, etc. So to be honest I have given up. I hope to meet someone more organically, through friends, work, by happenstance, at Trader Joe’s…I post a great profile and have terrific tasteful pics but it just ends up the same men in different “suits”. If one more man starts out his first email or IM message with Hi Babe, Hi Doll, Hi Honey, Hi Gorgeous, and ends it with “I am very attracted to you or what are you looking for a friend or a lover?” I think I am going to scream. I give no indication I am looking just for sex or am looking to rush things but it all ends up the same…pity, but that is how it has been working for me.
Posted by Annie Gleason on 12/10 at 04:19 PM
Being proactive about meeting men organically is a great way to go, whether you are using an online site or not.
There are all kinds of men and women who use dating sites as a way to meet people who they ordinarily wouldn’t run into. Many are wonderful guys who are looking for a serious relationship. Some are creeps who email hundreds of women at once, looking for any response.
If you wouldn’t respond to a stranger who says “Hi Babe, Hi Doll” etc. simply block out the online guys who do this.
Why not contact men who are looking for you by conducting a reverse search and ruling out the riff-raff? It’s OK to email him first (once), and you could meet a fabulous guy this way.
Good luck! Annie
Posted by FrustratedDater on 12/10 at 05:08 PM
Easy there KaZ! There are a few women out there carrying emotional baggage as well! The issue of women, their weight, and self-image is a whole ‘nother topic itself.
The anonymity of the internet allows all sorts of behaviors - for both genders. And yes, there are a lot of guys that qualify for “pig” status (I started teaching my daughter this years ago when she was 10).
For the rest of us relatively normal men, what adjectives in a profile resonate with with intelligent, self assured women like yourself? I think most mature, not necessarily just older, men are looking for someone stable and self-assured. Men, more so than women, seem to view the internet as a way to quickly meet someone. The disconnect may be that everything else associated with courtship, dating, relationship building hasn’t changed. We still have to go through all phases of compatibility validation. As irresistible as I may think I am, if a woman suggested sex on an introductory date, I would be inclined to ask some questions.
Maybe I’ll run into you at Trader Joe’s in the Wine Aisle some day and you can help me out!
I would wish you “good luck,” but it appears that hard work may be more appropriate!