Making the decision to risk love again can rock your world in unexpected ways. Sarah, a 52 year-old dentist came to me after a disastrous love affair with Ray. She was serious about finding a quality man, and she didn’t want to repeat her painful experience.

Although the relationship was over, it had left Sarah hyper-vigilant. She felt an urgent need to judge each new man’s pain potential before letting him into her life.  The legacy of her experience with Ray was to become so risk-averse that she wasn’t able to take chances needed to find love.

Dating is all about ups and downs. Will he like you? Does he mean what he says? Are you the only one, or is he a player? Does he want the same kind of relationship you do, and does he want it with you? How do you feel about him? What do feel you owe him at any part of the dating process? And on and on.

One of the keys to successful dating is being able to embrace its uncertainty.  When you don’t know where a relationship is going, keep your options open, and continue to meet new men, whether online, in classes or while participating in activities. Being interested in someone unknown is healthy. Investing your love in someone who hasn’t shown you that he’ll treat you well is not.

Once Sarah realized that her cautiousness wasn’t working for her, she relaxed. Her attitude shifted from that of a womanizer’s potential victim to that of a confident friendly woman.  She saw dates as opportunities to discover how she interacted with someone she didn’t know well.  Rather than deciding if a man was the one for her right away, she took her time getting to know different men.

After a few months of discovering and discarding potential mates, she met Bob on Chemistry.com.  After nine months of dating, he proposed. She happily accepted, and is getting ready to move on to her next big adventure.

Letting go of preconceived attitudes about love, dating and men, while keeping your wits about you is the key to discovering love at midlife.