I’m a list maker. I like the relief of transferring all the “to do’s” rattling around in my head onto a sheet of paper. It feels like I’ve corralled disparate, loose details so they don’t stampede my mind before I get the chance to actually deal with them. It’s basically an anxiety-regulating strategy for the part of me that can’t stand chaos. But there’s another great benefit. Once the list is made it serves as a magnet for bringing out the part of me that revels in the satisfaction of crossing items off a list. The synergy of “I can’t stand chaos” and “I love crossing off items” works especially well because each list made and completed represents movement toward my goals, something all of me enjoys.

So, here’s my relational house cleaning list, room by room:

Bathroom

Look for and clean out any unresolved conflicts and unhealed hurts:

• Set aside time, when you both are rested and prepared, to discuss areas of disagreement.
• Express appreciation for your partner at the outset.
• Recognize differences.
• Negotiate a middle ground wherever possible.
• Get outside help when needed.
• Flush old hurts away.

Home Office

Make plans for the future:

• Review or create the vision statement for your relationship (discuss and write down new short-term and long-term goals together.)
• Give the relationship security by creating and annually reviewing the following:

1. A clear financial picture and plan
2. A will and trust
3. A durable power of attorney and healthcare directive

• Complete any decision-making process that has been previously avoided or unresolved, thereby keeping the relationship current

Kitchen

Take stock of your relational “pantry”:

• Clarify what you would like to “cook up” together for pleasure and fun.
• Identify what ingredients you are low on (time, energy, information, emotional or relational tools.)
• What needs to be restocked (commitment, attitude of positive regard, statements of affirmation)?
• What needs to be thrown out because it’s no longer of interest or serving the relationship (old friendships, unsatisfying activities)?
• Anything moldy definitely has to go (routines and habits that have expired and are therefore empty of meaning and joy).

Dining Room

Identify what feeds your souls individually and relationally:

• Make a regular date night.
• Try things together you would never try alone (tandem sky diving, singing in a choir, couples book group)
• Purposefully disorganize habitual routines (switch sides of the bed you sleep on, stop newspaper delivery for a week and replace it with a chapter a day of romantic literature, take a walk together instead of watching television).

Bedroom

Keep your sexual relationship fresh and alive:

• Make more time for intimacy (crawl into bed earlier than usual and read poetry to each other, use the book ”365 Questions for Couples” by Dr. Michael Beck to stimulate deeper conversations.)
• Look for opportunities to touch each other throughout the day.
• Try something new (take a field trip to a sex store together, create a fantasy weekend, flirt in a new location).
• Have a fresh conversation about what is sexually stimulating at this time in your life.

Living Room

Live into your Best Selves:

• Express gratitude daily.
• Accept your differences and see what about them might be growth enhancing.
• Treat your partner like a best friend.
• Identify when listening is what’s needed and when action is what’s called for.
• Love the way you most want to love.

Sometimes lists are for action and sometimes they are for review and assessment. This one is a bit of both. A fun website to support your own list- making is www.tadalist.com. Make your own relational housecleaning list and check in on your progress. Keep your relational house up to date!