Great first date but no call since?
I’ve been getting a lot of emails from women who are frustrated after great first dates that went nowhere. “He no longer emails or calls. It seems so odd because he was very attentive and engaged before. I don’t understand why he couldn’t wait to see me one minute, and faded away the next.”
Sometimes a man initially pursues a woman intensely, but as he they become acquainted, his emotions shift abruptly. This can be confusing to a woman, who often interprets his initial rush as “he must really like me, or he wouldn’t come on so strong.” However, you don’t know each other well, and he might simply be enjoying his fantasy of having a romance with you.
When a guy goes on a date and has a fantastic time, it does not mean that he’ll want to move forward. From his perspective, it just may have been a great evening. On the other hand, when a woman goes out on a good date, she often feels that it’s a building block for a potential relationship. If he doesn’t call again, she’s left wondering, “what happened?”
Don’t waste time wondering
If you experience this, remember that you don’t know him well enough to know why he is behaving this way. Don’t waste your time by wondering what you should have done differently. Men often communicate best by their actions. If he doesn’t call, it usually means that he’s not interested. That doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.
It could be bad timing, the chemistry is not there for him or he’s not ready for a relationship—among numerous other possibilities. Maybe he had a great time with you, but he’s not ready to move forward—or to tell you that he doesn’t want to see you. He might not be sure what he wants to do next. If this is the case, he’s not contacting you because he is somewhat confused and hasn’t made any decisions.
Create emotional boundaries
You don’t know what is going on inside his head. Because dating mostly involves getting to know a total stranger, it’s important to create strong emotional boundaries and let a new person in gradually. Actions do speak louder than words. When a man continues to call and show up, then it’s time to open up emotionally. Keep in mind that most dating relationships end after the first date. After that, the next most common break-up time is the three-month mark. Until you know that you have a commitment, continue to be open to other options.
Confused?
Dating can create confusion. Don’t handle it by imagining what is motivating someone you barely know. Instead, act in response to what is actually happening. If you don’t like how you’re being treated, it’s time to wave goodbye and move on.
4 Comments
Posted by Joan Price on 06/07 at 08:46 AM
Great post, Annie. I’d like to add a couple of other reasons he might not call:
* He’s having first dates with several women. He came on as attentive and interested because he wanted to make a good, first-date impression, and he’s doing the same thing with others. Nothing wrong with that.
* He had a great time with you, but then realized it was too soon after losing his last relationship (death of a spouse, divorce, breakup….) and he’s conflicted.
* Maybe he’s waiting for you to make the next move?
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (http://www.joanprice.com/BetterThanExpected.htm)
Join us—we’re talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com
Posted by Dale Koppel, PhD on 06/11 at 05:23 AM
Just three months shy of the big Six-O, I found myself suddenly single. Twelve days later, ignoring my friends who thought I was moving too fast, I joined an online dating service. Over a three-year period, I made my way through thousands of profiles and met hundreds - yes, hundreds - of men. Most of them were first dates only, more of my choice than the man’s, which made me feel very empowered, self-confident, and wise. Why string someone along? Why doubt first impressions? Plus, I have a theory. Everyone has a number. We just don’t know what that number is. So, you have to have a lot of first dates before you meet Mr. Right. My number turned out to be 126. My Mr. Right had only been doing online dating for three months when we met and fell in love - on our first date. By the way, I write about it in my book, THE INTELLIGENT WOMAN’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: And She Lived Happily Ever After. (http://www.theintelligentwomansguide.com
Posted by Annie Gleason on 06/13 at 09:54 PM
Re: Dale Koppel’s comment
Congratulations on finding the man of your dreams. What you did may have worked for you, but it probably won’t work for most women. Anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD, who has spent two decades studying love, says that her studies show that only 10% of Americans reported that they found love at first sight. Her studies about chemistry indicate that proximity is one of the ways that chemistry is created. For example, you work in the same office with someone. Six months later, you realize they are incredibly attractive. This happens a lot—many affairs between married people start this way.
Consider your situation. You started dating immediately after finding yourself single. You probably weren’t ready, which is why you met hundreds of men before finding the one. If your husband had been the first man that you’d met, you might not have noticed him. Dr. Fisher mentions timing as an important component of when we recognize that someone might be the right person.
One of the problems that I see over and over again is this: Every time someone suffers a break-up their guard goes up. Every time they meet the wrong person they feel that there is less hope for them. Many people get discouraged after a dozen dates with a dozen (let alone hundreds of) Mr. Wrongs. Many people start to blame themselves: “If only I were good enough,” or men in general “all the nice guys are taken.”
Love isn’t instant for 90% of the population. Some men are really nervous on that first date, or clueless about how to behave on a date. Believe me, I know. I coach them. They want to please a woman, and are not sure how to proceed with a stranger. 50% of the adult population in the US is painfully shy. It takes many people time to get to know someone new, and lots of people open up slowly. Some of the men women meet online become just friends, and enhance their lives, including introducing them to other guys. Other men are not worth getting to know at all.
Taking one’s time to get to know several people is a proven way to find love. Sometimes it’s instant. But mostly, love at first sight is just a myth that leaves many frustrated and alone.
Annie
Posted by Annie Gleason on 06/13 at 09:58 PM
Joan,
I absolutely agree with your comments. One caveat—generally, men know that they should make the next move. Sometimes they need a little encouragement or signs of appreciation for what they have done.
Annie