As grandparents, we have the long view. We have lived to see a second generation born. Our child is now raising her/his own child or children. There is much wisdom we have to share from our years of experience.
Should we butt out or butt in?
One of the questions that arises for me is discerning when it is a good idea to pass on my “superior” knowledge of what to do and when it is best to sit on my mouth and let things unfold. I want to be of help but all those interfering mother-in-law stories ring in my head when I think of my daughter-in-law’s possible response. I also remember the many times that my sons have thanked me politely for my advice but I felt a flashback to the “I do it myself!” statements from their childhood.
What to do? How do we know when to offer advice and when to just butt out? This, of course, applies to other relationships, too. It’s not always so easy to tell. Here are a few approaches that I’ve learned.
A gentle approach
I might say that I have an idea but I’m not sure they are looking for that kind of response from me; that I don’t want to be interfering. Then I ask if they want to hear my suggestion.
Or, I might do the short form of that and just say, “Do you want a suggestion?”
Sometimes, I can tell from how they talk about the situation that there is a clear message that they are happy with their own solution. Depending on the importance of the situation and my view of their solution, I might say something like “it sounds like you feel good about your plans. Are you interested in another idea or do you just want my support?”
Be yourself
As I’m writing this, what I’m suggesting sounds a little stilted. I realize that in writing about it, I’m being more formal than I might be in the actual moment. I might be more likely to say something like, “At the risk of being a MOM, with all my advice, I have a suggestion. Do you want to hear it?”
Better safe than sorry
I think if you asked my sons and daughter-in-law, they would say I’m more careful than I need to be about this. I grew up in a family that was somewhat formal and indirect and I know that other families are more used to a direct approach.
So my final suggestion is: if this is not a difficult area for you, great! What you are doing is working. If this question does present a challenge, take my ideas and make them your own to fit you and your family. After all, it’s the love behind sharing our wisdom and experience that matters the most.
