Dear Dr. Frain:

When my children were little, I wasn’t emotionally available to them because of a demanding job and being overwhelmed as a single mom. Now my, 28 year-old, son is too busy to see me. I feel a big gap between us. I would like to connect with him and build our family ties. Do you have any ideas how I can reach out to him to start and renew precious rituals? I want the upcoming holidays to be more like the ones we had when I was a child.

Thanks,

Estranged in Arizona

Dear Estranged,

I applaud you for wanting to establish rituals in your family. Most American families are involved in a fast paced world, filled with many activities and responsibilities that compete for our attention. Jobs demand long hours, computers, television, and cell phones distract us 24/7. As the world becomes increasingly complex, we can’t expect all the customs of the past to work for us today. You may have to adjust your expectations a bit and become flexible and creative in your outreach. To build family ties that can fit into contemporary life, families need to create unique ways to celebrate otherwise many families may drift apart.

If your son is especially busy with work and family, you may want to stay in touch by E-mail. Or if you live relatively close to him, offer to meet him ½ way for a meal once a month. Use these times as opportunities to discuss what you like to do as a family to meet everyone’s needs for connection. Family rituals help members share values, build a family identity, and bring a sense of predictability in a confusing and sometimes chaotic world. Creating your own family traditions takes time, discussion, trial and patience. Tell your son what your goal is in wanting more family time and then begin the process of brainstorming together what will serve you both.

An excellent book to get you started in this process is: The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William Doherty.

Happy Holidays!

Betty Frain, Ph.D. MFT