Our old cultural markers for entering adulthood don't seem to apply anymore. We still hold the age-old belief that entering adulthood meant starting on a career path, buying a house and starting a family immediately out of high school or college.
As parents, we understand we are parents for life. But, we also believe there should be a change or organic maturing in our parenting role and expectations once "children" get through school and join the ranks of the employed. We've expected that once we grow our kids to young adulthood, they will be financially emancipated and we will be able to breathe a financial sigh of relief.
The reality today flies in the face of our age-old beliefs and expectations. Today, many young adults are taking a decade longer to complete school and assume full adult responsibilities than their peers of 40 years ago. In 1960, 43% of young adults between ages 18 and 24 were living at home. By 2002 the number rose to 51%. Likewise, young adults between ages 25 and 34 still living at home rose from 8.7% in 1960 to 10.9% in 2002.
Young adults today seem so much more sophisticated than previous generations, largely because they are exposed to adult issues and desires at younger and younger ages. But, statistics show they don't know how to balance their checking accounts (even though they have credit cards) and they don't know what their financial means are (let alone how to live within them).
Whether parents voluntarily step in to spare their children a financial struggle, or whether they are unwittingly being used as a cash machine, parental financial support of adult children has created a new cash-dependent generation. It's not just a U.S. phenomenon either. According to Lloyds TSB, in Britain, one-quarter of parents expect to help their offspring financially through their 30s and 40s.
There are productive uses of money gifts or loans between generations, such as giving all or part of a down payment on a home or contributions toward adult children's or grandchildren's college tuition. But, parents need to be clear about their own financial security before assisting adult children. Many parents are depleting their own retirement savings in order to ease the way for their adult offspring.
There is a difference between offering financial assistance for a specific purpose and being depended upon as a primary means of monthly support for adult children. The inability to say "no" when adult children ask for money is the biggest problem many parents face. We wish that our children could maintain the lifestyles we have created - but remember it took us years of hard work and saving to get here.
Sadly, some parents give money (in some cases, beyond their means) as a way to keep control over children or to encourage dependence. More than once a parent has said to me, "I know if I don't give my child money, he/she would have nothing to do with me," and sadly, this may be true. In such situations, parents may benefit from the support of a therapist to work through their own issues. But, one thing is clear, on-going financial support of their adult children is crossing the line between helping and enabling, and will do more harm than good for all involved.
Although the situations as well as the solutions are unique to each family, here are some tips to guide you through your decision making:
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Step back and take great care before automatically giving financial support.
Get clarity and stay in reality. Consider your values, your emotional situation AND your financial situation.
Consider whether or not giving your adult child money or other forms of financial support is healthy for your marriage and/or your relationship with that child.
Rather than supporting your children's wants and lifestyle preferences, encourage their development and maturity. Some adult children are unwilling to accept that they need to take a step down on the life-style ladder in order to live within their means.
Base your decisions about providing financial assistance on need rather than your child's sense of entitlement.
Consider if the giving of money will move your adult child toward financial self-sufficiency. Will it make a difference? Perhaps what your child considers an emergency is just the result of bad decisions and lack of planning. This behavior will likely continue if you continue to support it.
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Create a Plan, Communicate It and Stick to It
Communicate the ground rules clearly at the time of the giving - and be specific. Is this a gift or a loan? Will interest be charged? What are the terms of repayment? Clear expectations and definite limits are essential. Put it in writing.
Would a "scholarship" toward some financial education be a better long-term investment?
Psychologists are clear that when you rock the boat or upset the status quo, your adult child may turn up the volume on pressuring you to revert back to your old way of behaving. Be prepared for a storm, and stick to your plan.
5 Comments
Posted by Laura Miller on 03/10 at 06:38 PM
I found your article helpful, but have some additional questions. This is both a second marriage for myself and my husband. He came into the marriage with 2 adult sons, and I have 1 pre-teen daughter who receives support from her father. We had multiple discussions prior to marriage as to how we were going to address the matter of giving adult children money - or at least that is what I thought. Sadly, I discovered in our first year of marriage we had given over 50K to a son in his 4th year of college. I attempted to address this with my husband, but was accussed of “taking from his children”. They are grown adults. Without stealing from them, how would I take from then? I have been told it is by expecting our “giving of money” to be limited. We are now in our 4th year of marriage and the adult child I was referring to attended 7.5 years of college (and is not mentally challenged) only to obtained a bachelor’s degree in film study. What does one do with that?? The sad part is - if he was to actually “get a job”, he would suffer a decrease in pay as his father paid all his expenses inspite of the fact he had a part time job. Upon graduation, I suggested we give him a small amount of cash, pay off his credit card debt (that was on our card), continue to pay his cell phone and car insurance until the end of the year. What do you think happened? We still pay his insurance, cell phone (at age 26.5 years old!). We contribute to his rent so that he can live in LA with his girlfriend, we pay his gas expenses, and support spending money anywhere from 300 - 500.00 a month. His father has made multiple committments both to myself and step-son. In effort to summarize those committments - he said that he would no longer continue to provide financial support. He has failed both of us. We have cashed in retirement options that were granted during the period of our marriage and have had to pay over $100k in additional income tax dues - after deductions were made. During one conversation I suggested that the son move in with us until he could save some money and get on his feet. The son’s reply was “that would be like moving backwards, and besides living without “N” - the girlfriend is out of the question. My husband saw nothing wrong with his son’s actions. What suggestions do you have?
My other step son is working full time and did not attend college. We purchased him a brand new car last year, pay the car payment, insurance, gas, support his rent, and send spending money.
Sometimes I consider divorce in-order to save my portion of out assets. During our marriage we have spent on an average of 4 - 5 thousand dollars a month on his children (Additionally, I am a professional and contribute to our household income.)
Posted by Betty Frain Ph.D. MFT on 03/19 at 10:52 PM
Dear Laura, I write the column on Parenting here at 50+Fabulous. Pattie Heisser, founder and president, asked me to write a response because I am a Family Therapist. You may want to consult our book Becoming a Wise Parent for Your Grown Child:How to Give Love and Support without Meddling for more advice and support.
It is my opinion that we don’t help our grown children become independent if we rescue them or continue to support them financially. I recommend that you and your husband get some professional counseling so that you can save your marriage and your savings account. Dr. B. Frain
Posted by Hanrod on 04/16 at 06:27 PM
The “Dr.” is so very right here, about the bad training we provide when we do this ... but the further reality is much more complicated ... and sad.
The reality is that we have to both know the possible (and even likely) results of a son or daughter who has serious financial difficulties, i.e. the terrible places that a gradual and continuing lack of money can lead our loved ones, AND where and how to draw the line in assistance, if a line can even BE drawn.
We, retired or almost retired “Boomers” and “Depression Busters” who are living comfortably and know that we have had greater opportunity and success than our offspring will ever have, thanks to “globalization” and “Reaganomics”, have a special problem in addressing the reality for the generation of our offspring.
The lack of sufficient money that will permit our adult offspring to live safely and sanely and in even basic comfort(including the place they can afford to live), coupled with our lack of assistance if able, in the name of “self-reliance training” can eventually and almost inevitably lead to bad and desperate decisions on their part, and eventual assistance on your part in any event, often in an even greater, perhaps catastrophic, degree.
Sometimes a lesser amount of continuing support can avoid a horrific later event, and its cost to you, both financial and emotional.
If, so typically, your son or daughter, for lack of money, decides that they can only live in a dangerous slum, buy such priorities as food and gasoline for commuting to their, low-paying, employment, and are always occuring late utility charges, being evicted from rentals, not eating right or getting preventative medical care, doing without auto liability insurance, allowing their tires to wear thin for lack of replacement, etc., etc.—we can imagine just where that is going to lead. Are you going to enjoy your annual vacation to Tahiti while knowing that your most loved ones are living like this?
When you get the call about their accident, hospitalization and eventual disability, because they were riding a motorcycle thirty miles to work to save gasoline (without insurance), or failed to buy the prescription for their anti-depression medication, where do you stop?
Do you go to the hospital? When they are discharged, do you take them to your home, rent free, THEN? Do you pay the hospital bill, so that their future bad credit will not keep them from EVER getting a decent job IF they recover sufficiently, and from passing the credit check for qualifying to rent another, decent, apartment, etc? Do you supplement their Social Security disability, and support them forever ... at least until the day you worry about—when you will finally rest, at last?
Yes, many of of could use some “therapy”, and our, uncaring, society could use some help too.
Posted by alice on 09/15 at 09:38 PM
My daughter is 54 year old. She tries to manipulate me. She leased a car for five years that she could not afford. She went into bankruptcy and gave up her apartment rather than give up the car. She has a good-paying job and would be able to afford both if she budgeted her money. She chose no to see me for fourteen years. We did not have an argument. She just said she was too old to have a mother. She contacted me after 14 years absence and at that time gave her more than 8,000 dollars. Then she broke ties with me (2 years later) for 15 months when I refused more money. She appeared on my doorstep a few months again asking for financial help. She does not understand why I will no longer give her money. I do buy her food. I call this manipulation and feel used. She makes $47,000 a year in Staten Island, NY.
Posted by Betty on 01/08 at 11:57 AM
I am also in a second marriage of four years. There are three step-sons that only call their father when they want money. They all have all the latest technology, cell-phones, computers, cable etc… Their ages are 25, 28 and 30. All have attempted college only to drop out. I cut coupons, cook at home, keep the heat low, conserve water and my husband and I even share a car. We are in our 50’s and trying to build a retirement. I believe the advice to seek counseling is the best route. My marriage is definitely headed that direction!