Dating online is only as successful as the steps one takes to jump through the hoops of the various online dating sites. It can feel intimidating and intrusive when first reading the questionnaires from various sites. Some are quite extensive and are, ostensibly, psychologically revealing. Plan to spend some time with the application forms and creating your profile, as it will be your introduction and first impression.
Last month, I wrote mostly about how to do the inner preparation work to know what brings you to this moment, and what you feel drawn to in seeking a partner. This month I will guide you through some of the most common stumbling blocks.
Writing a profile is of course challenging and important. Most sites will allow you to read profiles before signing up. This will be useful for gathering information. What profiles grab your attention and are appealing? There are many ways to approach a profile. I chose to write a profile that was neither cute nor catchy, but instead revealing and descriptive of who I was and the man whom I was seeking. I suggest that you not make it generic but instead regard your profile as an initial screening technique, i.e., almost everyone likes “walks on the beach.”
It is important to remember that we each read something through our filters. As the writer, you cannot do more than describe yourself as accurately as possible. Trust that there will be misinterpretations. The men who find you interesting will seek you out and will ask clarifying questions about things that are confusing.
I wrote a profile TO those men whom I hoped to meet. I knew it might be off putting for others, but this way of screening eliminates a lot of misconceptions and screens out some who might otherwise respond. For example, it was important to me that this man be financially secure and emotionally mature. I knew that for some those words were loaded, but they pointed toward the kind of mature man whom I felt would be a good fit for me. My overall experience seemed to validate this straightforward way of describing who I was and whom I was seeking.
There are questions about age requirements. This is so individual that we each must decide what we’d be comfortable with, knowing that age is at times relative. I met men younger than my ideal age criteria, as well as older, but ultimately settled with a man who was well within the age spectrum that I thought would be compatible. I say this because we each know ourselves pretty well, and it’s best to stay somewhat true to your intuition’s guidance. And, prepare yourself to be surprised here at times.
Okay, now you have written the profile, posted a photo or two (which should be recent and a near likeness) and are now browsing the people who meet your criteria. Should you respond to those who interest you or wait and be responded to? This is again a personal question, but in the online world I found most men were appreciative of being sought out. At times I was the responder, sending out a brief personal note referring directly to what it was in the profile that interested me. At times I was the recipient. Initially I responded back to each person who wrote me, falling into the trap of thinking it rude not to reply when someone had taken time to write me. In the end I realized that this was not the best use of my time. If I didn’t respond back then that was a response of it’s own. And, time is a huge issue with online dating. It can take hours to reply back and forth. I chose to use that time in communications with those who interested me. This may seem cold, but is, in the end, practical. After all, we each must make this system work for us and not fall in behaving as we think we “should” when it doesn’t serve the process.
The next step. Moving from email communications to a phone call is next. After a few emails it is important to move forward rather than spending more time in writing mode. Many can write well, enchanting with words or poetry, but in the end not be someone you would be interested in meeting. My rule was basically to have a few back and forth emails and then initiate a phone call. Rather than giving out my number to an unknown man I asked for his number and made the call. If that phone conversation flowed well and added intrigue or interest I would move quickly to suggest a first meeting. This is one of the most important lessons I learned. I often found the phone conversation went nowhere and occasionally one or both of us would be courageous enough to acknowledge this then. As time went on, I learned to trust my gut more. But, initially, I met a number of men whom I ultimately did not want to pursue before I could really trust my inner guidance. You may well find this to be true too. On the flip side, there is always the question of saying “No” too quickly. I found that a good rule of thumb was to trust my gut. When it was saying “No” loudly, then it was “No.” If there was a maybe, I would honor that and make a second or third date until that maybe translated into either a clear no or a clear yes. With my new husband, it was seven dates into our relationship before I felt the clear “Yes.” Had I cast him aside when I didn’t hear the “Yes” sooner, I’d have missed out on recognizing my partner. This stage is tricky and each woman will need to navigate her own way using her inner guidance system.
Dating multiple people at the same time. This was particularly challenging for me. I am someone who believes in full disclosure and finds it difficult to keep my cards to myself. However, the online dating world is one where most people meet multiple people in close proximity. Perhaps you happen upon two people who interest you, each for different reasons initially. How will you find out who is more compatible with you unless you give each potential relationship time to grow and develop. My rule of thumb was not to become intimate with anyone until this person was the only one I was dating. This was awkward at times. I found that men could be pushy here. Men often connect through intimacy where many women must feel connected before becoming intimate. This was true for me. I held my ground and didn’t allow us to move forward, even when pressured. At times this was a deal breaker for the man but I took that as a sign that he was more interested in his agenda than my feelings. This is an example of how the experience of someone’s reactions, to a boundary being set, can become information for how you two would fit as partners. I was very clear to me that the man whom I hoped to find would respect my boundaries even when they conflicted with his own desires. In the end, this was one of the ways my new husband endeared himself to me. He never pushed and allowed me to find my way to him in my own time. Do not abandon yourself for someone or you will probably regret that down the road.
Removing or hiding one’s profile. This feature is quite useful at various times. I used it when I was simply overwhelmed with responses or was in the early stages of dating one or more men. I mention it here because, as stated above, one of the main and possibly dangerous ways online dating can become addictive or unhealthy is the human tendency to seek the “greener grass” even when the person you have met is someone with whom you are interested in exploring relationship. The tendency to imagine someone better, more perfect and more compatible is always a hook to keep seeking and looking. Notice this tendency in yourself and when it’s appropriate remove your profile and focus your mind and heart on the person at hand. In talking with a lot of people using the online services, I see how much of a trap this virtual sea of possibilities can be to settling on one person and allowing the time for that possibility to ripen or come to a natural end.
In the end, each of you will find your way with the online dating service you choose to use to support your quest. It is always a learning process. Spiritual practices are found in our everyday lives. Dating online, as strange as it sounds, was one of the most illuminating and enlightening spiritual practices of my life thus far. As long as you approach dating online as a practice and remain focused on the process, and not the goal, you will not be disappointed. And, who knows, your partner may be out there seeking you too! In the meantime, most importantly, have fun and by all means revel in the many wonderful qualities we women in our 50’s have to offer someone.
