My friend Monica was married last month. She is 58 and this was her third wedding. What I loved most about her wedding was that she insisted on the traditional vows of commitment, “in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, until death do us part.” Unlike in her 20’s and 30’s, this time Monica spoke her vows fully knowing what good times and bad were and realized that she now has what it takes to live out her “Yes” for the rest of her life.
This past year I watched the balding of more than one friend. Sue went through her cancer treatments without a spouse or relatives nearby. A year later she calls herself a “survivor.” Her hair is growing back, but what is more striking about her now is her growth in self-assurance. She discovered a wellspring of internal strength and security, and realized that she has friends whom she can count on and who love her.
For Sylvia, the dissolution of her 28-year marriage, the launching of her children and the sale of the family home all happened simultaneously. For long stretches she felt terrified of the immense emptiness and loneliness. “I don’t know who I am anymore,” she wailed. Yet, with more time for herself and the support of a spiritual community, she found something very precious, eternal and enduring within her self than she ever knew existed. Every morning, she spends time in prayer and meditation, staying attuned to this Self and feeling deeply grateful.
“My mother drives me crazy” is usually the first thing I hear when Sandra checks in with me. As the designated caregiver for her 85-year old mother, who is ”strong as an ox and as self-centered as an infant,” Sandra is meeting the challenge in unexpected ways. She has discovered that she has limits, that it’s okay to live within them, and that sometimes she can go beyond them to find unexpected depths of generosity and strength to carry both herself and her mother.
Recently I spent a weekend with my husband in the Napa Valley wine country. We rode our bicycles on the Silverado Trail, a well-paved road that provides scenic access to mile after mile of luscious vineyards. As we peddled along, I noticed that the oldest vineyards are the most beautiful. The bases of these vines are always sturdy enough to make the most fruitful canopy. I thought about women’s lives, my own life, these vineyards and how each passing year brings the possibility of a greater canopy, more fruit to bear.
As a psychotherapist I am privileged to pass through the human vineyards of sturdy, fruitful, beautiful women. I witness amazing seasons of growth and change, of weathering and coming to fruition. What is most mysterious, intriguing and satisfying is repeatedly discovering the bountiful fruits that come out of gnarly times.
As 50+Fabulous is launched, I invite you to join me each month. We’ll explore relationships of all kinds, with spouses, significant others, friends, children, parents, family, with our selves and our deepest Self. Together we will ripen to be as juicy as our feminine souls are meant to be.
