“There is no one here for me,” Louann frowned as she surveyed the dance hall filled with about 250 men and women. “I know some of these guys. They’re all boring. I can tell just by looking.” Louann places a high value on charm and good looks. She’s horrified to see the pool of handsome, eligible men shrink as she ages.
She’s not alone. Women who are dating oftentimes reject men after their first meeting, because they don’t feel any chemistry. He could be a nice guy, and meet many of her criteria in areas such as personality, income level, intelligence, or sense of humor. She’ll move on, meet the next man to try on, and become frustrated because she can’t find an emotionally available guy who gives her the zing that she’s looking for.
Cindy is using a different approach. She met Ray while she was crutching to get coffee in her neighborhood, a few weeks after she’d broken her foot. He asked her if she would like help shopping. Their first date was spent in the aisles of Costco. She invited him in for coffee after, and they had a great conversation. They’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks. “He’s growing on me,” she told me after they had gone on a few dates. “At the very least I have a new friend. As I get to know him, he’ll either become more attractive, or not. I’m in no hurry to find out. I’m not seventeen, and being driven by hormones that I don’t produce anymore.” A few weeks later, she’s still enjoying their slow brewing romance.
Cindy is taking a win-win approach. She’s valuing Ray, whether he turns out to be a friend or a lover. If a romantic relationship doesn’t come of their connection, she’ll include him in her circle of friends, and perhaps he’ll introduce her to someone.
In our fast-paced, goal-oriented culture, women often want to have the thrill of instant chemistry. Next time, why not try the slow-bake kind? It’s a kinder, gentler way to experience romance.
4 Comments
Posted by Garden Girl on 04/01 at 10:15 PM
My friend likes the thrill of instant chemistry. We keep telling her to get
to know him first, as a friend - and that is indeed what they become friends. She now has lots of male friends but still no one special. Her husband passed away 13 year’s ago now and all her choices have been bad ones. What can we do to help her find the right Mr Right. She is English - I think she needs and English man…..
Posted by louise Mason on 04/19 at 12:34 AM
Hi, I like the slow bake approach - I am nearly a year in a relationship with a lovely guy I met on line - after several months of meeting some really weird guys I was at the end of my tether and wondered if I would meet someone genuine. First meeting didn;t set the world on fire but given time it has turned into a lovely experience - don;t prejudge until you have given time to know!
Posted by Annie Gleason on 06/02 at 12:01 PM
In response to Garden Girl:
It might feel safer for her to have the instant chemistry thrill. After all, when you’re in your twenties, chemistry plays a big part in your every day life. When you’re older, you forget that many other components played a part in your choice of a mate.
People often have learned to block out all chemistry when they make friends with people of the opposite sex. Once these boundaries are established, the friends respect them. However, they can be broken using non-verbal signals. Perhaps your friend could try to ignite sparks with one of her men friends using one or more of the following techniques.
Body Language speaks volumes. Mirroring is a way that we signal that we’re in sync with someone. The next time she’s out with a male friend, ask her to consistently mirror his body language. For example, he puts his right hand on his hip as they speak, she puts her left hand on her hip. It feels awkward, but it sends subliminal messages without her loosing face. Leaning closer to him when they speak, preening hair and clothing are also signals of availability. Hugging a little closeer for a second longer when they say good by also sends him a signal. All of these signal her openness to him on a subconscious level, and give him permission to move forward without having to risk losing the friendship.
He many move forward slowly. It will help if she’s sending these signals to more than one guy, so that she doesn’t get too invested in the outcome. If he’s not interested, he will simply not respond, and their friendship will continue in the same vein as always.
For more information about chemistry, check out my Examiner column: Is chemistry working for you or against you? For some people, it feels safer to have the instant chemistry thrill. After all, when you’re in your twenties, chemistry plays a big part in your every day life. When you’re older, you forget that many other components played a part in your choice of a mate.
People often have learned to block out all chemistry when they make friends with people of the opposite sex. Once these boundaries are established, the friends respect them. However, they can be broken using non-verbal signals. Perhaps your friend could try to ignite sparks with one of her men friends using one or more of the following techniques.
Body Language speaks volumes. Mirroring is a way that we signal that we’re in sync with someone. The next time she’s out with a male friend, ask her to consistently mirror his body language. For example, he puts his right hand on his hip as they speak, she puts her left hand on her hip. It feels awkward, but it sends subliminal messages without her loosing face. Leaning closer to him when they speak, preening hair and clothing are also signals of availability. Hugging a little closeer for a second longer when they say good by also sends him a signal. All of these signal her openness to him on a subconscious level, and give him permission to move forward without having to risk losing the friendship.
He many move forward slowly. It will help if she’s sending these signals to more than one guy, so that she doesn’t get too invested in the outcome. If he’s not interested, he will simply not respond, and their friendship will continue in the same vein as always.
For more information about chemistry, check out my Examiner column: Is chemistry working for you or against you?For some people, it feels safer to have the instant chemistry thrill. After all, when you’re in your twenties, chemistry plays a big part in your every day life. When you’re older, you forget that many other components played a part in your choice of a mate.
People often have learned to block out all chemistry when they make friends with people of the opposite sex. Once these boundaries are established, the friends respect them. However, they can be broken using non-verbal signals. Perhaps your friend could try to ignite sparks with one of her men friends using one or more of the following techniques.
Body Language speaks volumes. Mirroring is a way that we signal that we’re in sync with someone. The next time she’s out with a male friend, ask her to consistently mirror his body language. For example, he puts his right hand on his hip as they speak, she puts her left hand on her hip. It feels awkward, but it sends subliminal messages without her loosing face. Leaning closer to him when they speak, preening hair and clothing are also signals of availability. Hugging a little closeer for a second longer when they say good by also sends him a signal. All of these signal her openness to him on a subconscious level, and give him permission to move forward without having to risk losing the friendship.
He many move forward slowly. It will help if she’s sending these signals to more than one guy, so that she doesn’t get too invested in the outcome. If he’s not interested, he will simply not respond, and their friendship will continue in the same vein as always.
For more information about chemistry, check out my Examiner column: Is chemistry working for you or against you?
For some people, it feels safer to have the instant chemistry thrill. After all, when you’re in your twenties, chemistry plays a big part in your every day life. When you’re older, you forget that many other components played a part in your choice of a mate.
People often have learned to block out all chemistry when they make friends with people of the opposite sex. Once these boundaries are established, the friends respect them. However, they can be broken using non-verbal signals. Perhaps your friend could try to ignite sparks with one of her men friends using one or more of the following techniques.
Body Language speaks volumes. Mirroring is a way that we signal that we’re in sync with someone. The next time she’s out with a male friend, ask her to consistently mirror his body language. For example, he puts his right hand on his hip as they speak, she puts her left hand on her hip. It feels awkward, but it sends subliminal messages without her loosing face. Leaning closer to him when they speak, preening hair and clothing are also signals of availability. Hugging a little closeer for a second longer when they say good by also sends him a signal. All of these signal her openness to him on a subconscious level, and give him permission to move forward without having to risk losing the friendship.
He many move forward slowly. It will help if she’s sending these signals to more than one guy, so that she doesn’t get too invested in the outcome. If he’s not interested, he will simply not respond, and their friendship will continue in the same vein as always.
For more information about chemistry, check out my Examiner column: Is chemistry working for you or against you? http://www.examiner.com/x-471-SF-Dating-Examiner~y2009m3d12-Is-chemistry-working-for-you—or-against-you
For more dating advice and tips, check out my blog at http://getalovelife.net/blog.html
Posted by Annie Gleason on 06/02 at 04:38 PM
In response to Garden Girl:
This comment is for Garden Girl:
For some people, it feels safer to have the instant chemistry thrill. After all, when you’re in your twenties, chemistry plays a big part in your every day life. When you’re older, you forget that many other components played a part in your choice of a mate.
People often have learned to block out all chemistry when they make friends with people of the opposite sex. Once these boundaries are established, the friends respect them. However, they can be broken using non-verbal signals. Perhaps your friend could try to ignite sparks with one of her men friends using one or more of the following techniques.
Body Language speaks volumes. Mirroring is a way that we signal that we’re in sync with someone. The next time she’s out with a male friend, ask her to consistently mirror his body language. For example, he puts his right hand on his hip as they speak, she puts her left hand on her hip. It feels awkward, but it sends subliminal messages without her loosing face. Leaning closer to him when they speak, preening hair and clothing are also signals of availability. Hugging a little closer for a second longer when they say good by also sends him a signal. All of these signal her openness to him on a subconscious level, and give him permission to move forward without having to risk losing the friendship.
He may move forward slowly. It will help if she’s sending these signals to more than one guy, so that she doesn’t get too invested in the outcome. If he’s not interested, he will simply not respond, and their friendship will continue in the same vein as always.
For more information about chemistry, check out my Examiner column: Is chemistry working for you or against you? http://www.examiner.com/x-471-SF-Dating-Examiner~y2009m3d12-Is-chemistry-working-for-you—or-against-you
For more dating advice and tips, check out my blog at http://getalovelife.net/blog.html