What´s the first, free-association, thought that comes to your mind when you hear the phrase "love and money?" Maybe, oil and water? For many, love and money seem as incompatible as oil and water. Research shows, for the most part, when it comes to finances (as in love), opposites attract. Spenders marry savers and vice versa! This can be an explosive cocktail or it can blend two distinct styles into a more balanced team! On the other hand, if both are spenders, that can cause a chemical reaction too!

As February is the month of chocolates, love and connection, I´m going to suggest some ways you and your partner can have some fun and harmony with your money life. Who knows? This change may really spice things up for you - just in time for Valentine´s Day!

Try this. For the entire month, you and your partner switch spender/saver roles! If your dominant style is a spender, be a saver and have your partner be the spender. See if this role reversal helps you better understand your relationships to each other and to money. Maybe at the end of the month, you and your partner will both be closer to the middle of the spender/saver continuum, rather than on its extremes. Talk with each other about how it felt to play the opposite role. Did you have any insights from this exercise that could help you better communicate with one another?

In my own marriage, my dominant role is the saver and my husband´s the spender. When I played the spending role and he the saving role some light bulbs went off for both of us. Every time I suggested a purchase, he squelched my idea by saying something like... "We´ll have to see if it makes the spending plan." This was the mantra I had always used with him and I´ll tell you, it didn´t feel "so good" to have it reflected back at me. So, I learned to listen more carefully and not be a squelcher. This works better for both of us. This role-play helped him to learn how to communicate his purchase ideas with a "how to" plan in mind, which really helped me feel I was not solely responsible for that task. We felt more like a team.

Have a net-worth conversation this month. One thing, you can do together, is to determine your net-worth (see the attached net-worth worksheet). It´s always fun to see how much wealth you´ve built. Enjoy your accomplishments and set goals for what you want to accomplish this year.

Discover what needs money satisfies in both your lives. This will help each of you to both understand yourselves better and what motivates your spending decisions. It´s common for each of us to make financial decisions based on our dominant need. Besides basic survival needs like food, clothing and shelter, we all share psychological needs that we use money to finance at times. Included in these needs may be love, belonging, freedom, and power. We each prioritize and intensify these needs uniquely.

One need, you may perceive is satisfied by money, is love and belonging. If this is the case for you, you probably value friends and family above all else. You may have a reputation as a great gift giver and buy gifts to acknowledge and appreciate people in your life. Giving to others may take priority over taking care of your own financial needs.

Perceived freedom is another need that money might be used to satisfy. You may love autonomy and use money to buy exotic experiences and thrills. You may have the attitude you can´t take it with you so enjoy it while you can", or "no need to do a financial plan because it will all work out somehow."

You may use money to satisfy your need for power, status, and success. And your spending habits reflect that. You probably see money as the road to obtaining more attention and prestige. Your things may give you a sense of power in the world.

Understanding the motivation behind your spending, and that of your partner, gives you insight. Awareness is the first step in the change process, and leads to greater understanding and compassion.

Another idea, for this month of love, is to take a financial class together or read Love and Money: A Life Guide to Financial Success, by Jeff D. Opdyke, journalist at the Wall Street Journal! Or better yet, each read alternating chapters and then talk about what you´ve learned and what you think about it! Sharing, at this level, really leads to deeper intimacy. Again, just in time for Cupid!

Happy Valentine´s Day!
Denise

2007 Net Worth Worksheet