My Uncle Fred

I wish you could have known my Uncle Fred.  Born and reared in Texas, he was deeply rooted in family history and tradition. He was an artist, a gentleman, and a devoted family man. Many years ago he underwent emergency surgery. When he recovered, he wrote a letter to me, saying “I’m thankful to God for letting me stay in good health and be active and to live as long as I have. Looking back, there have been many times things could have turned out a lot differently than they did but through His providence I came through OK and am still around and hope to be around a lot longer.” This simple statement of his faith, his gratitude for his life, and his surprise that things had turned out as well as they did, has informed my life. I reread it every year on his birthday. I read it again whenever life throws me a curve. This letter – a few handwritten words on a piece of lined notepaper – is my uncle’s legacy to me. 

A Written Legacy

Without knowing it, my uncle had composed an ethical will. Ethical wills come in various forms.  At its simplest, an ethical will is a letter written to children or grandchildren or close friends, chronicling the writer’s life and expressing his or her essential values. An ethical will can be recorded or videotaped; some ethical wills are extended autobiographies or bound volumes filled with archival photographs.

Many cultures have some kind of ethical will – some as ancient as the classical Jewish will codified in the Talmud and as new as the “ending notes” popular among the elderly in Japan.  References to an ethical will also are found in the New Testament, and the writing of an ethical will is customary in religious Islamic families.         

When to Write

Now is a good time to ask your parents to write their ethical wills or to begin writing your own.  You don’t have to wait until you’re 80 or until your parents are failing. An ethical will can mark any transition in the writer’s life – any “significant” birthday, the birth of a child or grandchild, a daughter’s wedding, the onset of illness, or the death of a spouse. 

What to Write

In an ethical will, the writer can share lessons learned from other people or from experience, express regret about a road not taken, or explain a decision that seemed inexplicable at the time. The writer can convey his or her hopes and dreams for the future. The writer might offer apologies or forgiveness for past misdeeds or misunderstandings. 

For inspiration, you might want to read examples of ethical wills by writers of every age – in their 20’s, 40’s, 80’s and even older (available at www.ethicalwill.com/examples).

How to Write an Ethical Will

There are a number of ways to write an ethical will. Some people find it helpful to use and outline a list of topics. Good resources include Dr. Baines’ Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, The Wealth of Your Life by Susan B. Turnbull, and The Ethical Will Writing Guide Workbook and software (available at www.ethicalwill.com). 

Others prefer to keep a journal and write just a few words or sentences at a time. (If your parents are unwell, you can ask them to reflect aloud with you and you can write or record their stories and insights.)  Encourage your parents to write about their beliefs and opinions and how they’ve acted on those values. Ask them to write about what they’ve learned from their grandparents or parents or siblings or children or each other. They might write about important life events and why those events are meaningful to them – and to you. Invite them to include quotes or poems or cartoons that reflect their values and feelings. They might want to make a list of what they’re grateful for and why. After a few months, they can review what they’ve collected and look for patterns. They might ask you to help with this process, which is a wonderful way to probe for details and to ask questions. Write one paragraph about one topic, then another. Take time. Revise and rewrite when the mood strikes. Add an introduction and a conclusion. Enjoy yourselves. 

Most ethical wills are intended to be read after the writer’s death, but some people choose to share their ethical wills during life, usually at an important anniversary or family milestone. Dr. Barry Baines, a hospice director and author of Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values in Writing, read his ethical will aloud to his teenage daughters. He cautions, “Once you air your beliefs and principles, you have to walk the talk. You live life a little more deliberately.”     

A Valentine for the Ages

In writing an ethical will, we acknowledge that we are more than our material possessions, more than our net worth. We recognize that we should pass on our life lessons and our values the way we do with real estate or cash or Grandmother’s china. When we help our parents to write ethical wills, we ask them to share themselves, and we acknowledge the value of their lives to us and to the world. We help them to create a written legacy – a Valentine for the ages.